Soul Lesson 27: Validation Comes From Within

“But if you refuse the call
to a righteous war, and shrink from
what duty and honor dictate,
you will bring down ruin on your head”
~The Bhagavad Gita

About a month ago, I asked Chris his opinion regarding the use of the Exterra (loaded with love & 120,000 miles on it), which would be stuffed with a bunch of blankets, blocks, bolsters, clothes, thank you goodies, and more than the intended people we thought for our retreat about 2 hours away. He became visibly agitated which is a HUGE trigger for me. I, immediately, shut down, disappeared. “See if I ever ask you ANYTHING EVER again,” I thought.  “I don’t deserve to be treated this way,” I continued….Through the years of meditation, mindfulness, and yoga, I have learned to witness these little internal tantrums with curiosity, interest, and a little humor. I sat there, on the way home, ironically in the said Exterra we were discussing and watched.

Okay…Anger is always a trigger for me. Heck, even a slight irritation is perceived as anger. Stay with the need to shut down… Watch it…What’s underneath the need to protect? Chris is entitled to his feelings…You asked his opinion…And AH HAAAAAA here it comes…I am a people pleaser…Wait I already knew that…Ohh but did you know that when your personal truth ( I don’t want to pack everything into the Exterra. I want to go with our original plan) does not match what I think someone else wants me to do I become paralyzed. Someone might be disappointed in me, cut me off, DISCONNECT, take love away…well you get the point. SOOOO back to our epiphany. When I become paralyzed, rather than trusting myself, I seek validation from an outside source.

One of my favorite stories, which still brings tears to my eyes, is told in The Gifts of Imperfection by Dr. Brene Brown. In her book, Dr. Brown recounts the story of her nine year old daughter’s, Ellen, excursion with her to the mall. It was one of those days where you don’t shower, maybe have the elastic sweats and baseball cap because we are just running into the shoe department for two minutes trip. As Dr. Brown gets off the escalator, she sees two “perfect” moms & their matching kids staring her down. As Brene gets off the escalator, she turns around to see Ellen being Ellen dancing and having a great time. Ellen, in turn witnesses the family of beautiful people and freezes. “What should I do, mom?” And Brene, does, what we all wish we could do…. She says, “Choose Ellen” and busts out a little robot dance move.

This has become my personal mantra. Pick Carrie. Pick yourself. Trust that your opinion matters. Trust that you have words of wisdom to share. The truth cannot offend. Ask yourself, what is my truth? It is OKAY to honor that. As you learn to find validation from within you may choose to experiment with a couple of people who will support you unconditionally, who value you enough to hear you when you speak your truth. This type of unconditional support is a key in letting go of old patterning.



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